Full disclosure, before this year I didn't know what "setting a boundary" really was or meant. Boundaries are something that I was never taught in school and rarely a topic of conversation at home. I didn't realize how much I needed boundaries in my life until I hit the lowest point in my life in 2019. I felt like I had no control, choice, or freedom. I was so unhappy and had very little confidence. It was hard for me to ask for what I really needed and for the first time I was running on empty. I was always so used to being a stable rock for everyone in my life, but at this time I often felt paralyzed and knew I couldn't even be there for myself.
This year I came to the most important realization of my life, I had been living for others. I thought that being a good person meant that my happiness and needs should be put aside and that everyone else around me came first. I was constantly operating from a mindset of guilt. I didn't know how to say "no," without feeling like people would hate me, be disappointed in me, or think I didn't care. I would go through my days constantly giving and handing out my precious time and energy to those around me without taking a moment to fuel myself or give myself what I really needed. Living this way suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks and I was e x h a u s t e d.
I am a huge advocate of therapy, it's actually one of the main reasons I came to this profound conclusion in the first place. Therapy completely altered the relationship I have with myself, which was the relationship that needed the most forgiveness and healing. I slowly started to become confident again and truly recognized what I deserved. I knew that moving forward wouldn't be easy, but it would be worth it. I'd have to start putting myself first in relationships with people who were used to me showing up as, "always there no matter what." I started to learn that setting healthy boundaries is the ultimate form of self-love and that it doesn't make me a bad person to do so.
Here's the thing- when you start showing up as someone new. Meaning you set boundaries and put yourself first, some people in your life might not know or understand what to make of it. I have found that my boundaries weren't always understood or respected, but that this was nothing to take personally. Before deciding to implement healthy boundaries in your life, you need to make sure you're OK with doing so and recognize the importance of what it can do for your peace and happiness. When you are confident in who you are and what you want for your future, you won't be apologetic in asking for what you need.
If you're like me, you might be sooo scared of looking like "the bad guy" to people in your life. I would literally stop myself from doing or saying what I really wanted because I thought people would cut me off or hate me. What I have now come to realize is that if asking for what you really need results in people being angry or leaving you then so be it! This has absolutely nothing to with you. I promise that when you start showing up in your life in a way that feels honest and true to you, the right kind of people will gravitate towards you. Setting boundaries will show you who honours and respects you, and it might also show the opposite.
Here are some examples of boundary setting:
(The photo is from @the.holistic.psychologist on Instagram) who is an amazing individual to follow!
These are simple examples but an absolutely great way to start implementing healthy boundaries in your life. Like anything else, it takes practice, especially if it's something you never did before.
I'll end off with a quote: